My fiancée doesn’t know I go to a BDSM dungeon to get handcuffed and spanked

Kink may have become more mainstream in the last few years, but that doesn’t mean people with fetishes always feel comfortable revealing them to loved ones.

This week’s reader has been keeping his submissive desires secret from his fiancée for the three years they’ve been together, as he’s scared she’ll ‘freak out’ if he tells her what he enjoys in the bedroom.

To make matters even more complicated though, his fantasies have spilled out into real life, and he’s been visiting a BDSM dungeon to have his needs met by a dominatrix.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s problem, from a woman worried that leaving her abusive boyfriend means admitting she’s ‘failed’.

The problem…

I’m in my late thirties and due to get married next year. My fiancée, who is ten years younger, is amazing and I know how lucky I am to have her.

We’ve been together for three years, but in all that time I’ve been keeping a secret from her. Basically, I love to visit BDSM dungeons and even though I keep telling myself ‘this is the last time’, I can’t seem to kick the habit.

What started as a joke at university – we became aware of a local dungeon and a couple of us tried it out ‘for a laugh’ – has become a regular part of my life.

I wish I could put this down to something in the past, like being abused or beaten as a child, but there’s nothing I can think of. I just like being dominated and that’s that.

I can’t deny there’s a sexual element to my visits, and whenever I visit a dungeon, I feel enormous relief afterwards. Being handcuffed and spanked is something I really enjoy, and although I try not to go too often, the urge is always there.

I’ve never asked my fiancée to spank or dominate me, as I suspect she’d freak out at the suggestion. I hate keeping this secret from her and know I have to stop before we get married and have children, but it’s like an addiction I just can’t break.

The advice…

In an ideal world you’d sit your fiancée down and tell her the truth, and she’d be really cool about it, going ahead with the wedding unperturbed.

But in the real world, it’s probably too much to expect her to tolerate this, and as you say yourself, she might well ‘freak out’.

There’s a sexual element to your BDSM fetish, so at the very least she could see it as a form of cheating. You’re not having an affair in the conventional sense, but you are betraying her by getting your kicks elsewhere.

Sexual fetishes are highly addictive, and as with any addiction, you tend to keep needing more to get the same thrill. The chances of you being able to simply ‘stop’ are extremely slim, and maybe you shouldn’t even be trying. It sounds as though you haven’t accepted an integral part of who you really are.

Therapy will help you gain a greater acceptance of yourself, without trying to change you. But that still leaves the problem of the impending marriage, which you are dishonestly heading towards.

You need to be truthful with your fiancée, so she knows exactly what lies ahead. It’s up to her to make the decision whether to stay and tolerate your fetish, or whether to get out at this stage. Of course she’ll be devastated, but you’ll only hurt her more if you go ahead with the wedding and she finds out later.

If you do end up separating, try a dating app for those who share similar interests. It might be what you really need.

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