I got the ick in the middle of sex – so I rolled over and left

‘I’m going to leave,’ I said to Harry*, who had a startled look on his face.

We were in the middle of sex and things weren’t going to plan. He was a gorgeous man but something felt off – our physical connection wasn’t there and I wasn’t enjoying the sex.

My decision to extract myself from the situation wasn’t about his skills, nor his personality. I simply couldn’t ignore the strange feeling in my stomach that told me I didn’t want to be there.

Harry was rendered speechless for a moment, but soon gathered his composure. 

Shocked and somewhat concerned, he suggested that we have a drink on the balcony and just talk – which I agreed to. Despite wanting to leave, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and felt I owed him this much.

Things turned nasty within minutes, as he started sulking about my decision and tried to entice me back into bed. This was the tipping point for me and so I left.

This experience took place over a decade ago and even now, I am not entirely sure why I had such a strong negative reaction to him.

But something in me knew that I had to leave.

Many of you might feel that this was a rude choice. Some of you might recognise yourselves in my story.

These days, I like to think of myself as a considerate and caring lover, regardless of who I am shagging and whether it is a serious relationship or a casual fling.

Mutual respect is non-negotiable in my sex life.

But at the time, I was in my early 20s. I wasn’t mature enough to know how to talk to a lover about my concerns in the bedroom.

I also barely knew this man. We had met a few times while on nights out but had not had any extended conversations. It was very much a one-night-stand.

As a now-grown woman with more sexual experience and a better grasp of who I am and what I enjoy during sex, I applaud my younger self for leaving a situation where I felt uncomfortable.

But from recent conversations with friends and acquaintances, I know that there are still many people of all ages who keep having sex even if their body or mind isn’t ‘feeling it’. 

One pal said she would feel guilty if she didn’t say yes to sex with her boyfriend, even though she wasn’t really in the mood.

It doesn’t matter if we are in the middle of doggy style or if I’m sleeping with a long-term partner – if I’m not feeling it, I’m not having sex

Another woman – from my experience, it is more often women than men who struggle with this issue – said she worried that she’d be considered ‘boring’ or ‘a tease’ if she didn’t ‘follow through’.

People also ignore their gut and keep going or keep quiet to avoid insulting the other person. This is a lose-lose situation and it’s about time we talked about it.

Please know that there is no judgement here, because I haven’t always walked away.

A few years ago, I had the worst sexual experience of my life. It is still uncomfortable for me to talk about but I feel it’s important that I share my own challenges. 

I had a first date with a man in a pub and he suggested we go back to his afterwards.

I hadn’t planned to sleep with him and his offer took me by surprise, but he was fit and we had a sexual spark.

The moment we started fooling around in his bed, I started feeling uncomfortable.

At first, I stayed because I like trying new things and thought that perhaps I would discover a new desire. But it quickly became clear that his sexual preferences didn’t match my own.

Rather than speak up, I kept going. Rather than get up, I stayed.

When we were done, I made up an excuse and went home. We never spoke again.

I don’t blame this man for what happened. 

Yes, he could – and should – have checked in with me more. We all give off physical cues during sex and he was definitely ignoring mine, which isn’t an acceptable way to treat a sexual partner.

But there was no way for him to know really how I was feeling, because I was playing along.

Then and there, I promised myself that, in the future, I would always stop or leave if I was no longer enjoying the sex.

This rule has no exceptions – it doesn’t matter if we are in the middle of doggy style or if I’m sleeping with a long-term partner.

This all being said, there are a few things you should know.

You should always stay true to yourself and stay safe – but that doesn’t mean you can treat other people’s feelings like trash.

Now, I tend to my lovers with more care and consideration, and I demand the same in return.

When I say you should ‘leave’, I also don’t necessarily mean that you must physically get up and go. But rather that you should listen to your body and not push your own boundaries. 

Explain to the other person, as best you can, why you feel the way you do.

Even if you have the ick – you don’t have to say that. A better way to approach this – especially with a long-term partner – is to say something like ‘I would like to stop and take some time to think about why I feel this way’.

Let’s end this on a high note, shall we?

Not long ago, my lover and I were in the middle of foreplay when my sex drive dropped. He was doing everything right but I’d had a long day and was feeling anxious and stressed.

Having learned from previous experiences, I asked my partner to stop and explained the thoughts rolling through my mind. He immediately ceased touching my body in a sexual way – but kept his arm around me while we talked – and then suggested that we watch TV instead.

No ifs, no buts, no further explanation necessary.

He was not angry and understood that sometimes, we just change our minds – even if the sex is good.

I felt safe and secure, and a few hours later (once my body and mind were better aligned) we picked up where we left off.

If you take just one thing away from what I’ve shared, let it be this: you always have the right to step away.

The other person may not understand your reasoning but they must respect it.

Listen to yourself and go from there.

*Name has been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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