Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
This week, she’s giving out sound advice on appropriate stag do behaviour, and what to do when your untalented friends wants to pursue a singing career.
Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.
I found out from a friend that my husband got a lap dance at a strip club on his friend’s stag do and I’m furious. He says all the stags did for a laugh but I don’t think that’s an excuse. I can’t bring myself to look at him but a couple of my friends whose husbands also went on this stag said I’m overreacting. Am I?
It’s not for me to tell you that you’re overreacting, and it’s not for your friends to do either.
You know your own boundaries within your relationship, and those aren’t for anyone else to define. While I hear your husband’s assurances that it was just supposed to be a ‘laugh’, if you don’t find it funny then it’s absolutely not an excuse.
I imagine you’ve had these conversations with your husband before, and he therefore knows that he has crossed the line with this behaviour, not least of all because you didn’t hear about it from him, rather, through a friend – which gives you further ground to be pissed off about this.
As far as I see it, this whole thing is between you and him.
Within every relationship the boundaries are different, and just because your friends are OK with their husbands getting a lap dance, or behaving in a certain way when they’re away, it doesn’t mean you have to be OK with your husband getting one.
Don’t let them you tell them that, and definitely don’t let him tell you that.
You have every right to communicate your annoyance and hurt at his behaviour and to feel that he betrayed you in what he did. I hope there’s nothing more to it than ‘lads being lads’ and stag-do antics getting a bit out of hand, but that doesn’t mean you need to accept it.
I actually hate this ‘ball and chain’ rhetoric that basically just exists to make women feel like they’re being dramatic for communicating any sort of boundary, or that they’re being overdramatic or a fun-sponge by having any sort of reaction to things they don’t want to put up with within their relationship.
It’s tedious and tiring and not constraints you need to operate within. Be cross, be furious, and work it through with your husband however you want. Good luck xx
My best friend is trying to launch a singing career but just isn’t very good. He’s started posting clips of his songs on social media and keeps inviting us to gigs. Do I tell him (gently) to rethink his plans or just grin and bear it?
GRIN AND BEAR IT!!!
This music industry is one of the most brutal I can think of – one that barely makes any space for the most talented of singers – and so I suspect your friend will learn the lesson you feel obliged to teach him one way or another anyway. With that in mind, I’d protect your friendship, and his feelings, for as long as you can.
Support him because it’s the right thing to do, because you might as well, and because the world is tough enough.
Like his videos, go to his gigs, sing along with his songs and know that karma will smile fondly on you for doing so.
More importantly, feel warm and fuzzy in the fact that as your friend lays it all bare and tries something ridiculously daunting, he’s got his delulu bestie in his corner. As he should.
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