Dear Alison,
My best friend is getting married next year, after getting engaged a couple of months ago, and I’m really happy for her. She’s wanted this for a really long time and I can see her excitement.
There’s something else I can also see: Her drastic weight loss. I know that, sadly, it’s not abnormal for brides to feel like they need to lose some weight to ‘look their best’ on the big day, but my friend seems to be taking it quite far.
I went dress shopping with her the other day and, although it was great to see her so happy, I felt very conflicted about saying ‘you look amazing’ when she was so thin. I’m worried about how much more she might lose in the six months to her wedding day.
Shall I talk with her? Or her mum? Or just leave it?
Thanks,
Lola
Dear Lola,
It is obvious how much you care about your friend. Her well-being is essential, especially in the run-up to her wedding, and the love and support you’re showing her is, in itself, invaluable.
Seeing anyone you care about undergo a significant weight change can be worrying, even more so when the change seems tied to external pressures or stress. As joyful as weddings are, they require a lot of effort to organise and can induce a lot of anxiety.
I can also understand why you might feel uncertain about dealing with this situation. You want to feel your friend to feel she can open up but not that she is being judged or criticised. Therefore, approaching it with sensitivity and compassion are key.
Find a time when you can speak openly and without distractions, preferably in private so that she doesn’t feel an added burden to moderate her reaction.
Start by expressing how much you care for her and how happy you are about her upcoming wedding.
Then, calmly share your observations without an agenda: You noticed when you were shopping that she has lost a significant amount of weight quite quickly, so you wanted to check in.
Your friend may not even realise how noticeable the weight loss is. By bringing it to light, you’re giving her the chance to explore it if she wants to, and she may even appreciate the opportunity to talk about it.
Focus on your concern for her health and well-being rather than just the weight loss itself, and empathise with her. As you say, unfortunately it’s common for brides to feel they need to look a certain way on their wedding day, especially knowing they are going to be photographed and even filmed. If your friend is struggling emotionally, it will help to know you understand.
Ask her gentle questions like: ‘How are you feeling about everything?’ and ‘Does the organisation feel manageable?’. This will allow her to share her thoughts and feelings on what’s happening in her life beyond the wedding, as there may be additional stressful factors going on for her.
If she is receptive to a discussion, suggest that she focus on feeling strong and healthy for her big day but avoid any mention of diets, weight, shape or exercise. Remind her that this is a topic you can return to if and whenever she wants, and that you can just be there to listen.
However, if your friend seems defensive or dismissive, it might be best to step back and continue to offer your support in other ways – what one thing could you do that would help in the immediate future? Could you help with any of the smaller jobs for the wedding, or even arrange a slow, calm activity to help her de-stress?
With another six months ahead, it’s helpful that you are taking action now. As for involving her mum or others, however, I would recommend treading carefully as this could easily be perceived as overstepping boundaries.
If you feel her health is genuinely at risk and she is not open to discussing it, this might be a last resort. In the meantime, BEAT, the national charity for eating disorders, has a range of information and advice that you can refer to.
Ultimately, your friend is an adult and has to make her own decisions, but knowing she has a friend like you who truly cares and supports her can make all the difference.
You are best friends for a reason, and your strong bond will have grown through mutual trust and honesty. This is the foundation you need for difficult conversations like these.
Wishing you and your friend all the best for her wedding day.
Best wishes,
Alison
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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