Loneliness – or the fear of it – can be hugely damaging, causing you to accept behaviour and situations that you never would otherwise.
In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader who’s hanging on to her new relationship despite the fact he’s married with children.
Although she knows she’s the ‘other woman’, she’s blinded by love and worried she’ll struggle to find it again after a recent divorce and relocation.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman struggling with feelings of shame after a string of one-night stands on holiday.
The problem…
Just over a year ago, my company relocated from London to Manchester, and although I was given the option of a pay-off, I decided to stay in my job and move up north. In fact, as I’d not long come out of a messy divorce, it felt like the exciting fresh start I needed.
On my first day, a lovely guy was given the job of showing me round and introducing me to everyone. There was an immediate chemistry between us, and we ended up going for a drink after work. I had a fantastic time with him and we soon became very close; in fact, within a week of meeting, we were having the most mind-blowing sex at my new flat.
It was only when the office gossip began that someone warned me off and told me he was married with young children. When I confronted him, he apologised and admitted it, saying he didn’t think I would entertain him if I knew the truth.
He swears his marriage is unhappy, but says he can’t leave home while the kids are small. He has begged me to stick with him until they’re old enough for him to leave, but as it turns out he has three children under eight, that might be quite a while.
Our sex life is amazing and we’re compatible in just about every way. He swears he loves me and promises me the world once he’s free, but I know I should ignore him and end it.
My fear is that I’ll never meet anyone like him, no matter how long I look.
The advice…
While this guy is stuck in his ‘unhappy marriage’ you are filling in the gaps, providing the excitement and thrills he wants. But who is making you happy? It all feels very one-sided to me; he has everything, while you’re just fitted in when he can find time. The fact that he wasn’t even upfront about his marital situation, speaks volumes about his character. Pity his poor wife!
You’re in a vulnerable situation – recently divorced, in a new town and far from your friends and family. But technology enables you to keep in touch, so please facetime the people you love and visit home regularly. It’s important that you still feel connected.
Meanwhile, make the most of your new surroundings. Join dating apps or singles clubs in your area and make more of an effort with colleagues. Doubtless your lover enjoys your dependence on him, but you need to meet new people and explore Manchester, which is an amazing city.
You already know you have to end this affair, not just because he’s married, but because you don’t want to feel forced to quit your job if things become difficult at work. One day you’ll see this guy for the loser he is, and wonder why you thought you wanted someone ‘like him’.
Ignore his selfish pleadings; walk away and give yourself the chance of meeting someone single, free, and even better than him.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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