Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do when your friend seems to have been roped into a pyramid scheme, and why it’s important not to compare yourself to your peers.
Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.
Recently my friend started a new side-hustle. She went from being someone who rarely posted online to acting a lot like an influencer. She mostly posts about this specific product – a fitness programme which she personally uses and loves – and tries to get others involved, including me.
I’ve personally declined as, while on the surface it looks like she’s trying to help people, the language reeks to me of being a pyramid scheme: lots of ‘financial flexibility’ ‘ditch the 9-5 job’ and ‘grow your own business’ type phrases. I’m trying to be a supportive friend on her new venture, liking her posts etc, but I’m worried she’s involved in something that could potentially be quite dodgy. How do I support her but still warn her that what she’s involved in might not be all it’s cracked up to be?
This is a modern-day nightmare and I know that for certain because I was that friend. Perhaps not quite so heavy on the ‘read the caption to find out how I built a mansion in Bali’ stuff, but I do admit to having spent a long time being a huge source of embarrassment to myself and everyone that knew me as I grew my following online.
I have long since said, if I could block everyone who actually knew me from following me, then I would do so in a heartbeat because there’s something very horrible about the para-social relationship coexisting with the irl relationship.
You try not to care about whether or not your friends are liking your posts or watching your stories or whatever, but it’s hard not to take it personally when they don’t. So I think with that in mind, I’d keep tapping through and liking as much as you can. I know it feels like a seal of approval or an endorsement of some kind but the only tangible thing those likes translate to is your support of her and that feels important to your friendship.
In terms of relaying your concern to her about the business model as a whole, I think the best way is to do your own research into the brand and to take what you find to her in a tactful way.
If there was a disparaging article about the company for example, you could just text it to her with a ‘isn’t this the company you’re with? Do you know about this?’, or ask her next time you see her ‘hey, I was reading more about the work you do, and I was wondering if you could explain this to me?’
The chances are, she’s done her research, knew the risk and made the decision anyway, in which case she may well have answers for you. They might dissipate your anxiety, they might worsen it, but honestly I think that’s as much as you can do.
By putting the evidence in front of her, and gently expressing concern around the morality or legality of what she’s doing, I think you’re doing as much as you can, any more than that and you risk being critical to the point of judgemental and that won’t do your friendship any good.
By this point I’ve known a surprising amount of people who have gone down the ‘tell enough people about this face cream and you can earn a White Mercedes’ road, and actually, I’m yet to see any of them in a White Mercedes.
That is to say, I’m not sure there’s much longevity to the career. I suspect this may well fizzle out of its own accord, and that’s probably as much as you can hope for.
Until then I think the best course of action is to keep cheering (however half-heartedly) from the side lines, and don’t, whatever you do, ‘ditch your 9-5’ in the quest for ‘financial flexibility’ and ‘to grow your business’.
While I know life doesn’t end at 30, at the moment I feel like I am seriously behind all my peers. All around me friends are getting engaged, married or having families and buying houses – even my younger sibling is due to be moving out at the end of next month.
Meanwhile I’m still living at home, my career feels like it’s stalled and the things I want to do – like travel and move out – seem to be getting further and further out of reach and it feels like I am running out of time. How do I overcome this feeling of failure, and aside from freezing time, what can I do to feel like I’m not massively behind in the rat race of life?
You are NOT running out of time. I know it feels like it, not least because there is huge societal pressure.
It’s human nature to compare yourself to those around you, but it’s become inevitable that you do so on a bigger scale due to the exposure we have to everyone else’s lives thanks to social media.
On top of that, you’ve lived your life with the very distracting tick-tock of your ‘biological clock’ being boomed out of little speakers wedged into every corner of your life, but none of that is really real.
There is absolutely nothing that says you have to be living your life in any kind of way, or that you are somehow behind everyone else just because your life isn’t where you thought it might be right now.
No one starts in the same place as you (no, not even your younger sibling), and it’s therefore completely nonsensical to behave as if you are in any kind of race with them, not least of all, because our finish lines are all in different places, too.
More than 10% of people aged 30-34 are thought to be living at home with their parents, by the way. And with the cost-of-living being what it is, I have no doubt that this is becoming MUCH more common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!
Nor is being single, or in a job that you don’t see being your forever. Life has a funny way of working out how it’s supposed to, and there’s something to be said for trusting in that from time to time.
My friends and I are all in our early thirties now, some are married with kids, some are single, some starting new businesses, some divorcing, some moving home, and some starting again. My brother packed his whole life up and moved to Australia last weekend, 10 years later than he thought he would have done.
It can feel like time is running out, and that you ought to have it all together by now, but that’s absolutely not the case. You’ve only been an adult for 12 years. And you’re going to be one for another 50 or 60. There’s a lot to do, and a lot to learn, and a lot of time in which to do it.
Try to broaden your horizons a little bit when it comes to the content you consume online and the people you surround yourself with; look for others in the same position as you. There are communities like The New Circle Society that are specifically for women your age to make new friends, and solo travel excursions being planned all the time.
If you hate your job, it’s not too late to pivot, to quit, or restart. If I were you, I’d try to get it all out, write it all down; your hopes and dreams and wants and plans, and once you can see it all laid out in front of you, start advocating for yourself.
I promise you, you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you and what’s meant to find you, will. Until then, try to enjoy your mum’s cooking for as long as you’ve got it xxx
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
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