There’s no passion in my marriage — my secret lover is more exciting

While infidelity is never advisable, it sometimes reveals a deeper issue within a relationship.

In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader whose affair has made her realise how much intimacy and passion is missing from her marriage.

Although she knows it’s wrong, she loves the attention she gets from her secret lover, and finally feels desired after years of sporadic sex with her husband.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a man who wants no-strings-attached sex but finds the women he sleeps with always end up looking for commitment.

The problem…

I’ve been married for six years and most of that time I’ve been quite happy. But recently I’ve started cheating on my husband, for no good reason other than I can’t resist the excitement.

My partner is self-employed and as he struggles to get work sometimes, I’ve started doing evening shifts in a pub to help with finances. I’m a bit overweight but I have a nice face and to my amazement, I get chatted up by customers all the time. I’d completely forgotten what it was like to feel this attractive, as I always thought I was well past my best.

I’ve always loved sex but it doesn’t happen that much at home anymore. I guess that’s married life. But three months ago, one of the regulars asked me if I wanted to meet up on a night off. Sex wasn’t mentioned and anyway, he’s too good for me, but I could see in his eyes what he wanted. I know I should have said no, but the offer felt so exciting I just couldn’t resist.

Since then, we’ve been getting together regularly and have the most unbelievable sex at his flat. My husband has no idea, as I just say I’m working. I’m not the slightest bit in love with this guy, and I know he isn’t with me, but I think about his body endlessly and can’t wait for the next time we can rip each other’s clothes off.

I know I’m playing with fire and I don’t want to hurt my husband. I just want some passion in my life and my secret lover gives it to me.

The advice…

There’s something you need more than passion in your life right now, and that’s a little love – self-love. Criticising your own weight, feeling you’re past your best, and saying ‘he’s too good for me’ show you don’t value yourself in the way you should.

Getting all this attention in the pub has tapped into something that’s missing from your life: the feeling of being attractive and desirable. But if your lover doesn’t value you apart from sexually, it’s not a long-term recipe for raising your self-esteem.

It’s surely only a matter of time before your husband finds out about your affair. How would you feel if he was so angry and hurt that he left you? Would your exciting fling have been worth all the tears?

It sounds as though you’ve been taking one another for granted; but you’ve had a happy marriage so far, so instead of risking it as you are now, concentrate on what you both need to do to make things better at home.

End your affair and try to rekindle the flame you clearly once had with your husband. Have an honest discussion about what you really want, and explain to him how unloved and neglected you feel. Let him talk too – you might find that he feels exactly the same.

Couples counselling can help you work through this.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

Sign up to our guide to what’s on in London, trusted reviews, brilliant offers and competitions. London’s best bits in your inbox