There’s one thing men are afraid of in the bedroom

‘Do we really need that?’

Looking at me with surprise in his eyes, my lover appeared offended by my suggestion of using a sex toy to finish myself off during sex.

I was worried this might happen.

When I reached for my vibrator, which is hidden in a box under my bed, I had no intention of hurting his feelings. 

Nor was I implying that his penis isn’t sufficient to get me off or that his skills are in any way subpar – on the contrary, his dick is wonderful and his hands masterful.

But my orgasm is a fickle beast. Some days she is easygoing and will arrive at a moment’s notice, other days she won’t show up at all.

Like many women, I can need assistance in reaching climax – and sometimes, it’s in the shape of a mighty little massager.

I reassured my partner by explaining why I found it exciting and helpful to use a vibrator together, and he eventually realised that the sex toy was not a threat to him or our sex life, and we carried on with what we were doing. 

This happened when I was in my early 20s and it was thankfully an isolated incident. 

I’ve been lucky in that I’ve had very few issues in using sex toys with lovers since then – most likely because I didn’t begin exploring the wonderful world of sex tech until I felt more secure in myself.

I only really introduced it into my sex life regularly when I got older and mostly with long-term boyfriends.

From speaking to others, I know that my experience doesn’t necessarily match that of other women’s.

Many of them tell me they are hesitant in using sex toys during sex with someone else due to embarrassment or are concerned that their other half will react negatively to it.

But, just the other week, my current partner, who feels comfortable with using toys, gave me the best sex I’ve had in a long time.

Lately, my libido has been dipping, as stress and a busy schedule takes its toll and because my mind won’t fully relax, it’s harder to orgasm when I have sex.

Then one day, while cleaning the house, I stumbled upon a clitoral massager that I hadn’t used in a while. 

It was a sample I received a while back (a nice perk of the job) and I liked it, but the handle has little red hearts on it, which isn’t quite my style.

Nevertheless, I decided that perhaps this was a sign and plugged it in to charge. 

Later that night, I had my first-ever multiple orgasm. 

I was having missionary sex with my partner – which is one of my favourite positions – and decided to incorporate the massager. 

My body was on fire with pleasure.

While the toy definitely did its part, I believe there was another key factor to this experience: the fact that I was able to share it with my partner.

I’m lucky that he is one of the most enthusiastic lovers I’ve ever had. 

This man considers my pleasure as a non-negotiable part of our sex life, which is quite a wonderful feeling, and he embraces whatever will deliver our mutual enjoyment.

As an example, there was a point during the sex where I hesitated and pulled the vibrator away from my body. I wasn’t sure how long I would need to ‘get there’ and figured I’d just orgasm another time.

My lover is the one who grabbed my hand and put the toy back where it belonged. 

I wish more men would behave this way with their sexual partners when they introduce a vibrator or similar item during sex, but I appreciate that there is a certain delicacy in this area.

Perhaps you truly believe that a lover using sex toys in your company means you’re not ‘good enough’.

Rest assured, a woman’s desire to use toys during sex is not a sly way of saying that your performance isn’t sufficient. 

It is simply an aid, just like using a map on your phone. Both the driver and map can assist in getting you to your desired location, but they do not solely shape how you get there.

And once you know your way around the town, you might need that map less and less.

I know it’s not always easy but men need to let go of their ego and squash those insecurities. Trust in yourselves and your sexual partner.

When you do, I can assure you, the sex you will have is the best yet.

But, sex toys are a preference. Some women love them, others aren’t fussed – but all of us want you to care about our pleasure. 

I would suggest you encourage your partner and avoid unnecessary glares or comments if they recommend an alternative route to climax. 

Shaming others is never the answer.

There are many products for men as well and plenty of fun to be had, if you can learn to let go and embrace new experiences.

As always, talking is key.

I knew that my lover would be okay with us using toys in bed, but we still had a brief chat about it beforehand. This only lasted a few minutes, as he eagerly asked me to show him my goodie drawer.

We don’t use technology during sex very often, as most of the time I prefer just feeling his skin on mine.

But I am a big advocate for toys and believe you should use them in whatever way suitsyou best – whether every day or once a month.

Mine are just there in case I need them, solo or with someone else. It’s my sexual comfort blanket.

Sex is so much more than genitals or a power setting on some machine. 

It’s about what we smell, see and how we feel, the connection we have with another person – whether romantic, sexual or both.

This person chose to bring you into their bedroom. You are the one they want to share this experience with, toy or no toy.

Remember that.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

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