Dear Alison,
My good mate is getting married in August; we’ve known each other since school, so there’s no way I won’t go.
However, I’ve just started dating someone and I’d really like it if I could bring her along.
The problem is that my friend and his fiancé are adamant that there aren’t going to be any plus ones other than those invited in their own right.
I think I should be an exception to this – I’ve told my friend how much I like this girl, even though we’ve only been dating for a few weeks, and I’m currently leaning towards just bringing her along anyway. I assume that my friend isn’t going to disrupt the wedding and once he meets this girl I’m sure he’ll see things differently.
I don’t want my new girlfriend to think she’s not welcome and I just want everyone to meet her.
Should I warn my friend in advance I’m going to do this? Or try and persuade him and his fiancé that I should be able to bring her along?
Thanks,
Tony
Dear Tony
Who to invite – and who not to invite – can be a real challenge for couples getting married, and plus ones are particularly tricky.
Understandably, you want to bring your new girlfriend and introduce her to your friends, but it is vital that you respect the couple’s wishes and their wedding day. Under no circumstances should you bring your girlfriend unannounced; doing so could cause unnecessary stress and strain on your friendship.
It is important to remember that weddings are carefully planned events with budgets, guest lists, and venue capacity restrictions.
They will have set a table plan for their meal, and your girlfriend will not be included, leading to a problematic situation when everyone takes their seats to eat.
While a small addition may seem like a small issue to you, it could have larger implications for the couple.
Respecting them and their plans is paramount; surprising them in this way could overshadow their entire special day.
You could talk with your friend and explain how much you want your girlfriend to join.
Be honest about your feelings, but do so with understanding and without pressuring them. You could also ask if there is an opportunity for your girlfriend to join as an evening guest.
However, you must acknowledge your friends’ reasons if they still say no.
Perhaps you and your girlfriend could meet your friend and his fiancé before or after the wedding in a less formal setting, where you can introduce everyone? This shows that you are considerate of their boundaries while still wanting to share your new relationship with them.
You should also talk to your girlfriend about the situation. Tell her how much you value her and explain the couple’s decision – as you have only recently started dating, and your friends didn’t know her when they sent out invites, I am sure she would understand.
If your girlfriend is as special as you believe, there will be plenty of opportunities for her to meet your friends.
Ultimately, you must respect the happy couple’s wishes without pressuring them to invite someone they have not met before.
Your friendship with the groom and his fiancée should be valued and maintained, without putting them in a difficult position on what should be the happiest day of their lives.
Best wishes,
Alison
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