I’m a Tory politician – dating itself often feels like a battleground

‘I want someone who is going to be nice to me – not agree with me.’

As a Conservative politician for North Yorkshire’s Scotton and Lower Wensleydale ward, councillor Tom Jones is used to the ‘never kissed a Tory’ rhetoric – he has even been rejected by dates once they have discovered his political stance.

‘It has affected my dating life a lot,’ Tom, who is 30, tells Metro.co.uk. ‘It’s often disappointing, and it’s meant I’ve had to put my politics on all my dating profiles, which isn’t really me.’

‘But then maybe I shouldn’t have chosen to be a professional Tory…,’ he muses. ‘If I used my politics as a dating strategy, I’d have to turn “woke.”‘

One particularly ‘galling’ example of his politics getting in the way of his romantic life is when he went on a date with a BBC journalist.

‘I had an amazing first date with her,’ Tom recalls. ‘I walked her home, we agreed to see each other again and texted each other the next day.’

But as soon as things were heating up between the pair, she messaged to tell him that she couldn’t continue seeing him because of her line of work.

‘Perhaps BBC bias really is a thing – even if it’s only against me,’ he jokes.

For Tom, however, whether or not someone is aligned with his political beliefs is far less important than finding someone who respects him.

‘A partner’s political affiliation has never really bothered me. That’s partly philosophical and partly practical: I don’t think that needing to share the same political opinions is any more necessary to a good relationship than, say, sharing the same opinions about art,’ he explains.

‘After a few poor choices I was looking for someone who, above all else, was going to value me, and was a kind, caring, warm person. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.’

Tom also notes that many of his political friends only date people who are also in that world, but he believes that to be a ‘huge mistake’.

‘You talk about the same things with them, you bring work home… it never ends,’ he says. ‘I wouldn’t expect my girlfriend to read or listen to any of my political work; I think it’s nice to have someone who can take you away from it.’

‘Another reason why political disagreements have never really affected my relationships is because by the time somebody is dating you, they have generally accepted who you are,’ Tom adds.

That’s not to say that he’s never had heated discussions about the P-word, though. But when he has, Tom has leaned on something he calls ‘romantic radicalisation’ – aka, framing things from a different perspective – to diffuse any tension.

‘Most of the women I’ve dated haven’t been particularly political, but have been liberal, which speaks to the increasing values divide between women (who are becoming more liberal) and men (who aren’t),’ he says.

‘Generally, what has happened is that Conquest’s First Law holds true, and as you explain issues, they come round to your way of thinking. But you do have to work hard to frame things in a different way, that appeals to different priorities.’

So when Tom met his current girlfriend (who wishes to remain anonymous) on Hinge in January this year, it was more than okay that their political beliefs didn’t entirely match up.

She found out he was a Conservative straightaway, as it was on his dating profile. ‘I even had a picture with Rishi Sunak laughing at one of my jokes, although that was more to do with my lack of good photos to be honest,’ he laughs.

‘But at this point, anyone can just google “Councillor Tom Jones” and my Twitter offers them a self-made stream of consciousness, so there’s no point hiding.’

He concludes: ‘Neither of us were looking for someone who agreed with us. And we agree on the most important thing – that she’s brilliant.’

For 25-year-old Freya Ruth, the opposite of Tom’s experience is true: she would never knowingly date someone who voted Conservative.

‘The thing is; I think politics does show how you see the world and what your values are,’ Freya, who lives in South London, explains. ‘It’s important that I have a partner that aligns with me and shares those values politically, because that person is potentially going to be someone that I’m with for a very long time.

‘I would never knowingly date someone who voted Tory – I would go as far as saying even casually – because I would struggle to know that information and continue pursuing them,’ she adds.

Naturally then, when she first met her current boyfriend, Ieuan, Freya made sure to ‘grill’ him on political issues.

‘I feel like I had a criteria that he had to match, but that doesn’t mean we have the exact same opinion on everything. I think that’s close to impossible and I think we have different perspectives because of who we are,’ Freya adds, noting that they’ve now been together for a year and a half.

When she was studying at university, Freya feels like she was much more vocal about her political preferences, but that there was perhaps less nuance.

‘Not that it was ill-informed, but I feel like I had these strong opinions that I would have made known. Whereas I feel like mainly in this relationship I’m actually dissecting things and talking about the world in a way that I maybe didn’t in previous relationships. I feel like we didn’t really have that healthy debate,’ she explains.

‘I feel super done with the state of the world and sometimes I do feel a bit apathetic, but it’s important to engage still.’

On that note, another dating ‘ick’ for Freya is people who don’t vote at all or who aren’t registered to vote.

‘In a lot of situations it’s a massive privilege to not engage in politics and to not vote, and from my perspective as a woman, there was a time when I wouldn’t have been allowed to vote based on my sex,’ Freya says.

‘As well as that, some people have no choice in their lives but to be political, so I think it’s a massive privilege to just disengage and really off-putting from a dating perspective.’

This also rings true for 23-year-old Louisa Carron, who likes to avoid people who describe themselves as ‘non-political.’

‘While I don’t mind some political disagreement, it is generally important to me to find someone who shares similar values to me – especially on issues like reproductive and queer rights, which I care deeply about,’ Louisa, who lives in London but is also a US citizen, shares.

‘In America, reproductive and queer rights have come under attack since Trump, and I couldn’t date someone who didn’t share my frustration at the overturning of Roe v Wade, or at the anti-LGBTQ+ bills recently enacted in Florida,’ she adds.

In terms of her relationship history, Louisa has dated people who have been politically disengaged before, as well as people who belonged in a ‘different political camp’ to her.

‘Ironically, I found that more conflicts arose with my partner who didn’t take an active interest in politics,’ Louisa, who describes herself as left-wing, notes.

‘To me, some of the most interesting conversations are borne out of disagreement; I might hold a different view from you on a certain topic, but hearing your perspective may help me to gain some nuance on the issue, and vice versa.

‘Having the right to vote and the opportunity to participate in the democratic process is such a privilege, and not exercising that right is a dealbreaker for me,’ she concludes.

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