If you’re always snooping on your partner’s ex online, you might have ‘Rebecca syndrome’

Does the mere mention of your partner’s ex make your insecurity levels spike? Do you often find yourself checking their social media profiles for a glimpse into what they’re up to? Do their shoes feel too big to fill?

You might have ‘Rebecca syndrome’.

The term, coined by psychoanalyst Dr Darian Leader, comes from the 1938 Daphne du Maurier novel of the same name, which features a young woman whose relationship is overshadowed by the memory of her husband’s widow, Rebecca.

Convinced she can never live up to her seemingly-perfect predecessor, the unnamed main character starts to unravel as she tries to emulate Rebecca, with disastrous consequences.

After a Netflix adaptation starring Lily James and Armie Hammer was released in 2020, this classic tale of secrets and suspicion came to the fore once again, and Rebecca syndrome made its way to Instagram and TikTok.

Really, though, it’s just a new way to describe something many people have experienced: retroactive jealousy.

Retroactive jealousy is an obsessive behaviour pattern that involves worrying about and feeling upset by your partner’s romantic past.

‘In so many relationships the partner’s ex casts a shadow over the relationship,’ psychotherapist Neil Wilkie previously told Metro.co.uk. ‘They were there, they loved each other and had a history together.’

According to Neil, part of the reason we might feel this way is the mystery surrounding what came before, as we often only hear snippets – and these are often negatives.

He explains: ‘Being jealous is a natural reaction to the uncertainty over your partner’s past. Was their ex sexier, more interesting, nicer, better looking? Are they still in touch and if so is that contact healthy or combative?’

Yet while the odd pang of envy is perfectly normal, a constant preoccupation – or letting these fears impact your relationship – is not.

Signs you might be dealing with Rebecca syndrome include comparing yourself toprevious partners, being unable to stop yourself from thinking about the past, andtrust issues.

Speaking to Newsweek, chartered psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley explained: ‘The individual may engage in controlling or intrusive behavior, such as checking their partner’s messages or trying to isolate them from others, in an attempt to manage their jealousy.

‘They may also harbor thoughts of suspicion or paranoia regarding their partner’s past, believing that the ex-partner remains a threat to the current relationship’

Bear in mind, there’s a difference between irrational suspicions and those that are fuelled by dodgy behaviour on your partner’s behalf; if they’re sexting their ex, for example, your concern is justified.

Otherwise, though, these feelings can manifest due to a lack of self-confidence or unresolved trauma, both of which need to be addressed. It can also be a response to issues with communication or commitment in your relationship.

Therapy or counselling (either individually or as a couple) can give you some perspective on what’s really going on, as well as providing the tools to ensure your jealous thoughts don’t translate into damaging actions.

It’s important to be honest with your partner about what’s going on too, as secrecy only fuels a toxic mindset. Then, you have to try and retrain yourself to focus back to the here and now whenever you notice unhealthy patterns cropping up.

‘For the health of your relationship, you both need to enjoy being in the present moment together and not be dragged back into unhelpful memories and fears,’ added Neil. ‘Remember that freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response.’

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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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