A former writer on Saturday Night Live said that she felt like she was in "middle school" during her brief stint behind the scenes on the NBC show.
Comedian and writer Clare O'Kane is credited with working on a number of shows, including SpongeBob SquarePants and Shrill. However, when she landed at SNL in 2022, O'Kane said that a series of personal issues made the experience difficult.
Making an appearance on Marc Maron's WTF podcast, O'Kane said that she was on the show "for like, a year total. I started mid-season, and then I ended mid-season. I quit."
Explaining her apprehension before joining the show she said: "I liked to think that at the moment, I thought I was pretty secure in myself and my talents—especially once you get that job. You're like, 'Oh, this is it. This is the goal.'
"But at that at that point, I had been told by other people who worked there before, who are friends of mine, like, 'This job is hard.' Some people thought it sucked. And I'm like, 'Oh, I don't think I could do that. And actually don't feel like I want to do that. I would rather have more autonomy and be a standup or write my own things.'"
Going on to describe her arrival at SNL, O'Kane said: "When I got there, I was like, 'You know what? I'm gonna embrace this. This is pretty insane that I get to do this.' But almost immediately—and this wasn't forever—but almost immediately, I was physically and mentally, like back in middle school.
"My palms started sweating for the first time in my life. My period stopped because I was so anxious. The first night we would write—we write on Tuesday nights—I'm in my office. I got kind of a big office that I'm sharing…I'm in the office alone. I close my door, and I'm sitting in front of my computer and, I'm like, OK, ideas, ideas. And all I can hear are people, like, laughing with each other and running up and down the hall. And I immediately start crying.
"So I'm like, I have to make friends again. I have to prove myself. This is a whole other thing, like it's a whole other world. It's not like any other writing job. And it just all hit me, and it took a little bit for me to get out of that."
Newsweek has contacted a representative of SNL via email for comment.
O'Kane shared that she eventually moved past those feelings and "learned a lot" on the job adding: "I honestly wish I'd stayed longer, because what I really want to do eventually is direct my own stuff. And I think you learn so much from working there, all the different aspects of making something that's the coolest part. You've got to talk to costume people and makeup people. You get to produce, and you learn how to do that in a really short amount of time."
However, her desire to depart the team overrode the positives, largely because of the personal issues that she was going through at the time.
"I was having some personal problems, some little mental problems," she told Maron. "I was drinking a little too much. I was getting in the groove of the job. And I thought, I think I was doing pretty well. I was getting some stuff on [the show] and having fun."
When it came to working with the stars of the show, O'Kane said that she "tried to work with everybody and see who fit. And I don't think I was there long enough to really lock in with one, any one particular person."
Maron then sought to clarify that O'Kane leaving SNL wasn't down to show-related issues, prompting her to say that she was "being a little diplomatic."
"I just think it wasn't for me," she went on. "The more I thought about what I wanted to do…I think I've got to shake myself out of this whole idea of having to do everything I possibly can in a short amount of time before I die, because you never know when you're going to die."
O'Kane added that the "guilt and shame factor" of quitting the show was "pretty high" at the time, but added: "It was important. I felt like…I needed to leave in order to fix, to help my life."
"All sorts of bad things were sort of manifested," she said. "It really wasn't until after that, that I really started working much harder on facing grief and moving through that. And I'm still doing that, but it feels good. I'm in a much better place. I think if I were to work at SNL now, I could deal with it and enjoy it."
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